April 1, 2018
Hot, Humid and Hazy
Chance of Rain
My Dear Family and Friends,
You can’t make this stuff up….
Except I already did ….
In 2007, I wrote an “essay” called “An Arrogant Proposal” published on my website.
Here’s “An Arrogant Proposal” reprinted:
May 15, 2007
Dear Business Editor:
As an owner of equities of several international airlines companies, I read with glee your recent reports describing the airlines' new policy for raising revenue.
Isn't it obvious that the fuel surcharge be raised? And ticket prices too. Business is business. To hell with those "supposed" low cost carriers. Eventually most of them drop out anyway.
I agree, if a passenger wants to eat, then let him pay for his food. The ticket is for a seat, and only a seat.
Of course, some seats are more desirable than others and our astute airlines executives clearly understand their company's assets. If you are short, then you are lucky. Tall, and if you want an Exit seat, then a little extra fee should be OK. Think of all the advantages of being tall.
If you want to see the George Washington Bridge and the Empire State Building from a window seat, then surely a small admission charge is not too much to ask. And maybe even a bit more for a night flight? For all those bridges in the Big Apple? If it's foggy we could offer a Rain Check.
I am really impressed with our leaders' more creative ideas. For example, charging for a blanket and a pillow. Brilliant. These items need to be purchased; and even cleaned, from time to time.
I have a few modest proposals of my own:
Senior Citizen Discount? Not! Most Seniors I know are awash in cash. Let them pay more. And what about those wheelchairs? Those stainless-steel buggies cost plenty and so do the unionized porters. Sorry mama and papa, pay for the ride.
What about all those fat people? Surely more of my fuel is burned to lift off a fat person. Tough luck. Eat fewer Big Macs and pay less. Fries with that? Surcharge! Install a weigh station at the gate.
Something must be done about those bothersome children. Can you imagine those little kids traveling free and annoying the hell out of everyone in the neighborhood? Has anyone calculated the extra boarding time? Surely that is costing me money. I propose an annoyance tax for those parents. Or leave the kids home with grandma and let everyone enjoy the ride.
How obnoxious, all those hot shots with their laptops! What a pain. Want to log on? Put a buck in the envelope provided. No one uses those sick bags anyway.
Now listen, there are plenty of bathrooms in the airport. So, if you want to freshen up during the flight, pay a little extra. Remember those public restrooms with the quarter slot? I say, install those slots now and really generate some dough. And how about some quarter slots for the overhead bins? Those bags are usually heavy and burn more fuel.
And speaking of the airport, my airlines promise a seat on the airplane, not the waiting area. OK. OK. I am not a hard-hearted businessman. Leave those hard-plastic seats alone. But, let's rope off a VIP area at each gate. If you want a comfortable chair, pay for the privilege.
And luggage. Never mind free. Each bag should be weighed and taxed. You say you are an experienced traveler and know how to travel light? Well then you should be rewarded. You carrying twelve pairs of shoes for a three-day weekend? Sorry, lady. Cough up.
Unfortunately, all the above will not apply to me. I am one of those filthy rich sexy senior citizens. I always travel First Class or Business Class. I already pay much too much for my leather reclining seat, my adult beverage before takeoff, my hot towel, and gourmet dinner with a chilled dessert display and French cognac.
Let the hoi polloi in the back of the bus ante up their fair share for a change.
New airline fees? I vote Yes!
See you at the shareholder meeting.
"An Arrogant Proposal" was written in 2007. We all know what has transpired since.
Then in 2013 this appeared. An airline decides to hire only female cabin crew.
And just last week, this appeared. An airline bans fat people.
So, as the result of my peerless Prescience and unequaled business Acumen, the Chairman of Siam-Slovakia Airways has appointed me his temporary “Special Advisor.”
At my first Board Meeting, I made a modest proposal regarding imposing "handling fees" for baby strollers and walkers. The Chairman of the Board, Khun Naritiwat Novovicek, leaned over to me and with his typical Thai-Slav politesse whispered, “Mister Polatschek, when I want your advice, I’ll ask for it.”